My essay was definitely disorganized: I started off with a definite statement and halfway through writing the essay, I realized that I knew of examples where I did not think that the media affects me personally. Therefore, I started off with one statement yet ended with a compromising statement. When I changed my view midway through the essay, I should have gone back and revised my essay statement on what I believed in. My Asian history teacher, Mr. Kakos, used the analogy of a funnel as the first paragraph: you have to lead the reader in the right direction and funnel down to specific examples in which your body paragraphs. Using this analogy, I guess what you could say I did was I had two funnels, and therefore could not guide the grader of my essay in the right direction- having only three minutes, the grader would probably get frustrated because it would be confusing, resulting in a low score.
Aside from that, I also think that I need to have better transitions between paragraphs: I support one point and then suddenly just play the devil's advocate, and contradict everything I'd just said. This would make sense if I declared I was going to do this in my introduction paragraph, but since I did not, the reader would be confused.
I think I also need to incorporate either more vivid descriptions (without sounding like I'm trying to impress the grader too much), and more descriptive vocabulary. As my essay is right now, there would be nothing stand out about it: there would be nothing to catch the reader's attention both point wise and description wise. I would probably receive a low score because of this.
It was an eye opener to take the perspective of the grader of the essay, where time is of the essence and therefore, essays must be graded accordingly.
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2 comments:
It's frustrating how we must strongly stick with one opinion...
hehe, exactly, you outlined most of your essay's problems right here. good job!
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