I had a bad dream last night. I dreamed that I moved through the thicket of Kilanga, through imposing vines vying for sunlight and water, through the gigantic and eclipsing trees, of which there are so many types anyone would think it is a collection of exotic plants. As I pushed my way through this greenery, this forest which eats itself in an endless cycle of rebirth, I saw an unusual sight.
I took a step forward out of mud, and for the first time in months, I felt the sensation of scorching cement! I would've shrieked from the pain had I not been so relieved to see the comforts I felt back home: running water that isn't from a well or pump! Bathrooms! I waited every minute in Kilanga for this moment where I could use all these everyday appliances I took for granted before! I've never told anyone this before, but for all the time I was in Kilanga, I carried a small knife with me, whose blade was about 4 inches long. This was for the purpose of having the luxury of slitting my wrists at any time, which releases endomorphisms into my blood stream. At the sight of this haven, of western items, and buildings, I threw down my knife.
Why couldn't Nathan come to his senses; does he not miss all of this? I saw a group of children: one working on homework, the others talking. Most of them didn't have blond hair as I do, but rather have black or dark brown hair. I hadn't seen anyone like them before, but they smiled at me and waved. It was a very surreal experience, where I was looking back on the life I could once have lived: in a contemporary environment, instead of the real environment where all but nothing was taken from me, my daughters, our lives. I walked over to a building, and looked inside a window. To my shock, I gazed into a window and saw our little house in Kilanga, complete with mud walls and mud floor, and multiple beds all with mosquito netting around them. I shook my head; this couldn't be true! When I gazed back inside, I was relieved to see a classroom where a teacher was pointing at something which seemed like a chalkboard, yet it was white, and when the teacher wrote, the ink which resided after the "chalk" passed was dark blue. I nonchalantly took a closer look at the teacher, for it seemed as though it was someone I knew. I couldn't tell since he kept showing his back to me. I shrieked out loud this time, when that man turned to face me. It was Nathan, and he smiled at me. I was torn back from this personal paradise of mine, where I had my life back? I was flung back into my bed, sweating profusely in horror of this dream being over. I felt the dry mosquito netting encompassing my bed. I sighed deeply, lifted the net up, put on my slippers, and walked slowly and reminiscently OUTSIDE to get myself a drink of water.
Why must I have these bad dreams; nightmares of getting out of this horrible place? Why must I have these dreams of hope, when here there resides none? I wish I had my knife back.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Post 20: College
In the beginning of the movie "A Beautiful Mind," a professor at Princeton talked to the incoming class.
"Mathematicians won the war. Mathematicians broke the Japanese codes... and built the A-bomb. Mathematicians... like you. The stated goal of the Soviets is global Communism. In medicine or economics, in technology or space, battle lines are being drawn. To triumph, we need results. Publishable, applicable results. Now who among you will be the next Morse? The next Einstein? Who among you will be the vanguard of democracy, freedom, and discovery? Today, we bequeath America's future into your able hands. Welcome to Princeton, gentlemen."
Ironically, though I had no intention of doing so, this quote has some distant ties to "The Singer Solution for World Poverty," in that it talks about how when you are given something, it is your obligation to use it properly and to not abuse it. I've talked about this topic in various other posts, so on to the point I intended to make.
Here at Punahou, though everyone likes to have fun, or rather, their own idea of fun, Punahou is primarily just a prep-school, intended for turning teenagers into functioning college students. On that note, here I sit, chemistry books and AP exam study books piled around me, papers written in Japanese, Math-ese, and English all alike tickling the bottom of my feet, crinkling to their demise, yet always holding out. The clock ticks twice as fast as it should, especially as the hours grow late proceeded by those of early. We're in hell.
At times like these, where I am piled in over my head in work, with any little annoyance and every little extra obligation piled and spilled over on my plate, I wonder if all this work, if all these honors courses, AP courses, are really worth this extra work, or if they're just extraneous. I watched my sister battle her way through high school, and watched all those extra courses and extra hours at school participating in various clubs pay off. Why did it seem as though all that work didn't phase her at all? Why was it that all the work she did for school always yielded a result and always seemed pragmatic?
What does college really do for you? I mean, whether you graduate a lawyer from Harvard, or a lawyer from UH (not that I'm implying anything about UH), you still have the same degree, and you still have the same status out there in the real world. So what is the purpose of spending more money to get just a status of going to a top university?
As I see applications come back, negative for the top schools, or even those who I believe to be very much qualified to top universities not even apply to top schools, for having the mindset that it was impossible for them, a part of me wants to give up, but a part of me wants to try even harder. For some reason, I believe that all my efforts now will not be for naught. Am I just deluding myself in the fake fantasy of ME getting into what I consider to be a good school?
Perhaps it is an obligation which we all have to perform to our best abilities. After all, WE, the students, are not the ones paying upwards of 15 grand a year for an education; we are the ones who have the privilege of getting a good high school education, or even an education at all. At this point, the papers clinging to the bottom of my feet don't seem to phase me as much. The papers huddled around me don't seem as intimidating. The onslaught of an endless cycle of sleep, homework, school, sports, and any other obligation, leading right back to homework every time doesn't seem as daunting. Perhaps, I have come to peace with my obligations.
Why is it that all that work seemed so easy for my sister and many other past seniors I knew seem to be so hard in penchant difficulty? Maybe, that it just seemed that way, and my sister and all those other seniors had to struggle just as much to become who they are and to get into where they are now. Maybe, it was just an act: to stare tests and other seemingly impossible projects, papers, and homework in the face. Maybe, by doing this, that is the reason why they can deal with adversity so efficiently, not letting the dire-ness of the situation knock their concentration out of line.
I walk off into the cold, stormy unknown with my head held high, staring down all the adversity in my life in the eyes.
Bring it on.
"Mathematicians won the war. Mathematicians broke the Japanese codes... and built the A-bomb. Mathematicians... like you. The stated goal of the Soviets is global Communism. In medicine or economics, in technology or space, battle lines are being drawn. To triumph, we need results. Publishable, applicable results. Now who among you will be the next Morse? The next Einstein? Who among you will be the vanguard of democracy, freedom, and discovery? Today, we bequeath America's future into your able hands. Welcome to Princeton, gentlemen."
Ironically, though I had no intention of doing so, this quote has some distant ties to "The Singer Solution for World Poverty," in that it talks about how when you are given something, it is your obligation to use it properly and to not abuse it. I've talked about this topic in various other posts, so on to the point I intended to make.
Here at Punahou, though everyone likes to have fun, or rather, their own idea of fun, Punahou is primarily just a prep-school, intended for turning teenagers into functioning college students. On that note, here I sit, chemistry books and AP exam study books piled around me, papers written in Japanese, Math-ese, and English all alike tickling the bottom of my feet, crinkling to their demise, yet always holding out. The clock ticks twice as fast as it should, especially as the hours grow late proceeded by those of early. We're in hell.
At times like these, where I am piled in over my head in work, with any little annoyance and every little extra obligation piled and spilled over on my plate, I wonder if all this work, if all these honors courses, AP courses, are really worth this extra work, or if they're just extraneous. I watched my sister battle her way through high school, and watched all those extra courses and extra hours at school participating in various clubs pay off. Why did it seem as though all that work didn't phase her at all? Why was it that all the work she did for school always yielded a result and always seemed pragmatic?
What does college really do for you? I mean, whether you graduate a lawyer from Harvard, or a lawyer from UH (not that I'm implying anything about UH), you still have the same degree, and you still have the same status out there in the real world. So what is the purpose of spending more money to get just a status of going to a top university?
As I see applications come back, negative for the top schools, or even those who I believe to be very much qualified to top universities not even apply to top schools, for having the mindset that it was impossible for them, a part of me wants to give up, but a part of me wants to try even harder. For some reason, I believe that all my efforts now will not be for naught. Am I just deluding myself in the fake fantasy of ME getting into what I consider to be a good school?
Perhaps it is an obligation which we all have to perform to our best abilities. After all, WE, the students, are not the ones paying upwards of 15 grand a year for an education; we are the ones who have the privilege of getting a good high school education, or even an education at all. At this point, the papers clinging to the bottom of my feet don't seem to phase me as much. The papers huddled around me don't seem as intimidating. The onslaught of an endless cycle of sleep, homework, school, sports, and any other obligation, leading right back to homework every time doesn't seem as daunting. Perhaps, I have come to peace with my obligations.
Why is it that all that work seemed so easy for my sister and many other past seniors I knew seem to be so hard in penchant difficulty? Maybe, that it just seemed that way, and my sister and all those other seniors had to struggle just as much to become who they are and to get into where they are now. Maybe, it was just an act: to stare tests and other seemingly impossible projects, papers, and homework in the face. Maybe, by doing this, that is the reason why they can deal with adversity so efficiently, not letting the dire-ness of the situation knock their concentration out of line.
I walk off into the cold, stormy unknown with my head held high, staring down all the adversity in my life in the eyes.
Bring it on.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Post 19: This I Believe podcast
This is my link to my "This I Believe" podcast. It was actually a very frustrating process for me: I had to record it on my computer, where the quality came out bad, so I bought a cheap microphone, where the quality was just a tad better. It automatically saves as a Windows Media File, aka .wma. I had to download a trial version of a converter to convert the .wma file to .mp3. Also, now, pod0matic says that my recording has to be reformatted and they will inform me of when this happens. For whenever that happens, here's the link:
http://tknogk.podomatic.com/
http://tknogk.podomatic.com/
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Post 18: Obligations
Today, the best tennis player at Punahou was in risk of losing. This past Tuesday, he had won the first set, 6-4, and while up a break of serve, and up 4-2, yet he lost the second set 4-6. He was up a break, 1-0 in the third. He was injured, and so this match was taking a lot longer than we anticipated it would take. The other kid was good, if not very arrogant and conceited. More specifically, the other kid was arguably the number 2 or 3 player in the state. So, I guess everyone on varsity accepted the fact it was possible that the match would be hard from the start, but we were all surprised. Luckily, since it rained, the match was postponed till this Thursday, today. Evidently, the number one won 5 straight games to close out the match.
After the match, I got a necessary talk from the number one, the captain of the team. It's quite admirable to see a captain of the team take it on himself to address problems individual problems for teammates. I mean, I'm not trying to sound arrogant or anything, because I know anytime I play him, if I get any games I'm lucky, but in a sense he is creating more competition for himself. It's admirable to see someone who cares more about the well-being of the team, than for self glory. The talk was about what he thought was the difference between how he played on Tuesday, and today. He said the difference was that on Tuesday, he was making excuses for not playing very well- he complained about his back and such, but today, he sucked it up, didn't make excuses, and essentially wanted to put this guy in his place. He asked me what I thought about the night before I play this other guy. I admitted that I hated this guy. I told the captain that this guy thinks that he's better than anyone else. And, that I really do hate to play him. The number one said that that was what he thought.
What he said to me, I cannot fully recall. What I do remember from that conversation, what I took away from it the most, is that it is an obligation to your school, to your teammates, to your coaches, and to everyone who's ever helped you, to perform however well you can. I'll admit that I didn't want to play him, but right now, I'm fired up. I want to play the jerk on the other team now. I realize that contrary to his belief, tennis is not everything. I actually pity him now. Even if he was the best player in the world, and if he won every tournament he entered, it would be meaningless if he alienated everyone who ever helped him get to that point, as he is doing right now with his attitude problem. If he had nobody to share his success with, then all that means is that he truly is a self-centered jerk, doing it for personal glory. He doesn't care about his teammates at all, so even if I lost to him, I wouldn't really consider it a loss. Rather, I would have given him a moment of glory, in his petty life, whereas in mine, where I am surrounded by great friends and teachers, I feel much more fulfilled. In this sense, I want to represent all who supported me on the way here, even those who are not in my life anymore, by beating this kid.
"And I'll tell you this. In any fight, it's the guy that's willing to die, that will win that inch." Peace with Inches, delivered by Al Pachino.
For my teammates, not for my own self-glorification, I am willing to die for that inch, which could make all the difference.
After the match, I got a necessary talk from the number one, the captain of the team. It's quite admirable to see a captain of the team take it on himself to address problems individual problems for teammates. I mean, I'm not trying to sound arrogant or anything, because I know anytime I play him, if I get any games I'm lucky, but in a sense he is creating more competition for himself. It's admirable to see someone who cares more about the well-being of the team, than for self glory. The talk was about what he thought was the difference between how he played on Tuesday, and today. He said the difference was that on Tuesday, he was making excuses for not playing very well- he complained about his back and such, but today, he sucked it up, didn't make excuses, and essentially wanted to put this guy in his place. He asked me what I thought about the night before I play this other guy. I admitted that I hated this guy. I told the captain that this guy thinks that he's better than anyone else. And, that I really do hate to play him. The number one said that that was what he thought.
What he said to me, I cannot fully recall. What I do remember from that conversation, what I took away from it the most, is that it is an obligation to your school, to your teammates, to your coaches, and to everyone who's ever helped you, to perform however well you can. I'll admit that I didn't want to play him, but right now, I'm fired up. I want to play the jerk on the other team now. I realize that contrary to his belief, tennis is not everything. I actually pity him now. Even if he was the best player in the world, and if he won every tournament he entered, it would be meaningless if he alienated everyone who ever helped him get to that point, as he is doing right now with his attitude problem. If he had nobody to share his success with, then all that means is that he truly is a self-centered jerk, doing it for personal glory. He doesn't care about his teammates at all, so even if I lost to him, I wouldn't really consider it a loss. Rather, I would have given him a moment of glory, in his petty life, whereas in mine, where I am surrounded by great friends and teachers, I feel much more fulfilled. In this sense, I want to represent all who supported me on the way here, even those who are not in my life anymore, by beating this kid.
"And I'll tell you this. In any fight, it's the guy that's willing to die, that will win that inch." Peace with Inches, delivered by Al Pachino.
For my teammates, not for my own self-glorification, I am willing to die for that inch, which could make all the difference.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Post 17: Poisonwood Figure 8 #1 (Genesis)
Today, we met in our discussion groups consisting of 4-5 people per group to discuss "Genesis," from, "The Poisonwood Bible." My group first established each of the characters, and their voices in the book. We described Rachel as not belonging in the family (since the rest of the family are devout Christians, with the father being a priest), Ruth May as being innocent (well, she's a 5 year old, so she'll believe everything told to her, even when her friend said the tribes in Africa would attack her). The only thing we said about Leah was that we thought that even though her twin sister, Adah, is mute, that we think Adah is much smarter. (Alex pointed out that Adah could come up with a verse correctly whereas her twin sister could not, and I pointed out how Adah came up with various palindromes).
Now that I look at how I just described Rachel, perhaps she is the lone copper person among four gold petroglyphs on the cover?
The next thing my discussion group talked about was what we thought the Kilanga residents would react to the father trying to convert all of them to Christianity. I said that I thought he would repel them from religion since even when he first came to Kilanga, he criticized them to ideals of the Bible they were ignorant to. I added that the family even had to have a picnic to increase attendance to sermons. Alex added on that he thought the father's garden was a foreshadowing to what he thinks the response will be for the Kilanga residents: the father's garden thrived in the U.S., but when in Africa, he had to succumb to growing a garden in a way where the conditions around the garden supported it.
All in all, I think we had a great discussion today, and the discussion made me realize several things about the book thus far that I had not noticed previously.
Now that I look at how I just described Rachel, perhaps she is the lone copper person among four gold petroglyphs on the cover?
The next thing my discussion group talked about was what we thought the Kilanga residents would react to the father trying to convert all of them to Christianity. I said that I thought he would repel them from religion since even when he first came to Kilanga, he criticized them to ideals of the Bible they were ignorant to. I added that the family even had to have a picnic to increase attendance to sermons. Alex added on that he thought the father's garden was a foreshadowing to what he thinks the response will be for the Kilanga residents: the father's garden thrived in the U.S., but when in Africa, he had to succumb to growing a garden in a way where the conditions around the garden supported it.
All in all, I think we had a great discussion today, and the discussion made me realize several things about the book thus far that I had not noticed previously.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Post 16: A 10 minute reflection on my SAT essay
My essay was definitely disorganized: I started off with a definite statement and halfway through writing the essay, I realized that I knew of examples where I did not think that the media affects me personally. Therefore, I started off with one statement yet ended with a compromising statement. When I changed my view midway through the essay, I should have gone back and revised my essay statement on what I believed in. My Asian history teacher, Mr. Kakos, used the analogy of a funnel as the first paragraph: you have to lead the reader in the right direction and funnel down to specific examples in which your body paragraphs. Using this analogy, I guess what you could say I did was I had two funnels, and therefore could not guide the grader of my essay in the right direction- having only three minutes, the grader would probably get frustrated because it would be confusing, resulting in a low score.
Aside from that, I also think that I need to have better transitions between paragraphs: I support one point and then suddenly just play the devil's advocate, and contradict everything I'd just said. This would make sense if I declared I was going to do this in my introduction paragraph, but since I did not, the reader would be confused.
I think I also need to incorporate either more vivid descriptions (without sounding like I'm trying to impress the grader too much), and more descriptive vocabulary. As my essay is right now, there would be nothing stand out about it: there would be nothing to catch the reader's attention both point wise and description wise. I would probably receive a low score because of this.
It was an eye opener to take the perspective of the grader of the essay, where time is of the essence and therefore, essays must be graded accordingly.
Aside from that, I also think that I need to have better transitions between paragraphs: I support one point and then suddenly just play the devil's advocate, and contradict everything I'd just said. This would make sense if I declared I was going to do this in my introduction paragraph, but since I did not, the reader would be confused.
I think I also need to incorporate either more vivid descriptions (without sounding like I'm trying to impress the grader too much), and more descriptive vocabulary. As my essay is right now, there would be nothing stand out about it: there would be nothing to catch the reader's attention both point wise and description wise. I would probably receive a low score because of this.
It was an eye opener to take the perspective of the grader of the essay, where time is of the essence and therefore, essays must be graded accordingly.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Post 15: Lexicographer for Book One: Genesis
Format: *= word was seen twice, **= word was seen three times, etc.
(_) page number inside parentheses
brindled (1): having obscure dark streaks or flecks on a usually gray or tawny ground
copulation (1): noun form of: to engage in sexual intercourse
imperious (1): befitting or characteristic of one of eminent rank or attainments
: intensely compelling
confederated (13): to band together
contingency*(14): event or condition
: an event (as an emergency) that may but is not certain to occur
flout (15): to indulge in scornful behavior
surmise (16): a thought or idea based on scanty evidence
pandemony(23): (sp? I looked it up again in the book and it's spelled this way, yet there are no entries found in my dictionary). (probably related to:) pandemonium: hell
katydid (28): any of various large green American long-horned grasshoppers
edification (33): the act of instructing and improving, especially in moral and religious knowledge
dubious (33): of doubtful promise or outcome
gallimaufry (34): hodgepodge
aphasia (34): loss or impairment of the power to use or comprehend words usually resulting from brain damage
parable (39): a usually short fictitious story that illustrates a moral attitude or a religious principle
penance (42): an act of self-abasement, mortification, or devotion performed to show sorrow or repentance for sin
pestilence (58): a contagious or infectious epidemic disease that is virulent and devastating
desultory (59): marked by lack of definite plan, regularity, or purpose
castigated (59): to subject to severe punishment, reproof, or criticism
latent (61): present and capable of becoming though not now visible, obvious, active, or symptomatic
deluge* (61, 63): an overflowing of the land by water
palpitated (67): to beat rapidly and strongly
regaled (68): to entertain sumptuously
enema (69): the injection of liquid into the intestine by way of the anus
finagled (69): to obtain by trickery
putrefaction (70): the decomposition of organic matter
bedraggled (71): to wet thoroughly
bovine (73): ox-like, cow-like
putative (74): commonly accepted or supposed
: assumed to exist or to have existed
semaphore (74): an apparatus for visual signaling
(_) page number inside parentheses
brindled (1): having obscure dark streaks or flecks on a usually gray or tawny ground
copulation (1): noun form of: to engage in sexual intercourse
imperious (1): befitting or characteristic of one of eminent rank or attainments
: intensely compelling
confederated (13): to band together
contingency*(14): event or condition
: an event (as an emergency) that may but is not certain to occur
flout (15): to indulge in scornful behavior
surmise (16): a thought or idea based on scanty evidence
pandemony(23): (sp? I looked it up again in the book and it's spelled this way, yet there are no entries found in my dictionary). (probably related to:) pandemonium: hell
katydid (28): any of various large green American long-horned grasshoppers
edification (33): the act of instructing and improving, especially in moral and religious knowledge
dubious (33): of doubtful promise or outcome
gallimaufry (34): hodgepodge
aphasia (34): loss or impairment of the power to use or comprehend words usually resulting from brain damage
parable (39): a usually short fictitious story that illustrates a moral attitude or a religious principle
penance (42): an act of self-abasement, mortification, or devotion performed to show sorrow or repentance for sin
pestilence (58): a contagious or infectious epidemic disease that is virulent and devastating
desultory (59): marked by lack of definite plan, regularity, or purpose
castigated (59): to subject to severe punishment, reproof, or criticism
latent (61): present and capable of becoming though not now visible, obvious, active, or symptomatic
deluge* (61, 63): an overflowing of the land by water
palpitated (67): to beat rapidly and strongly
regaled (68): to entertain sumptuously
enema (69): the injection of liquid into the intestine by way of the anus
finagled (69): to obtain by trickery
putrefaction (70): the decomposition of organic matter
bedraggled (71): to wet thoroughly
bovine (73): ox-like, cow-like
putative (74): commonly accepted or supposed
: assumed to exist or to have existed
semaphore (74): an apparatus for visual signaling
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